IF: travel

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won't you let me take you on a sea cruise

My wife and I went on a cruise at the end of May. It was her second and my first. I had always balked at taking a cruise. I enjoy doing all the things that a cruise offers — obscene amounts of food, extravagant yet hokey stage shows and time away from work. All fine with me, but why does it have to be on a ship? In the middle of the ocean? I can do all those things in a resort on land. Land that can’t sink. And if, by chance, there is a power failure and the plumbing backs up and the hallways are suddenly flooded with shit — I can just hop in my car and go home. I can’t do that on a ship.

But, I agreed and we went.

We were booked on the Norwegian Cruise Lines massive ship Gem for a seven-day excursion to The Bahamas, with stops at Port Canaveral, Florida and Norwegian’s private island Great Stirrup Cay, before docking in Nassau. I was not really excited by the thought of the trip, mainly because I had nothing to which I could make a comparison. My only frame of reference for a cruise was The Jungle Cruise in Disneyland and The Love Boat. I knew I the captain wouldn’t be cracking corny jokes about the back side of water, but I sort of hoped that Isaac would be slinging Mai Tais in the Pirates Cove lounge.

We left New York’s Pier 88 under overcast skies and that’s how it remained for the majority of our trip. Day One and Two at sea were rough and rocky. A constant drizzle enveloped our vessel as large, angry waves lapped at the ship’s sides. It was not pleasant. Luckily, there was an endless array of food to distract us. And a casino. Mrs. P dug the casino.

On Monday (Memorial Day), we docked at Port Canaveral. We disembarked (I was happy to be off that goddamn ship and on solid, non-rocking ground) and boarded a charter bus for an hour’s drive to Orlando. We planned to spend the day at Downtown Disney, the expansive shopping area at Walt Disney World. The weather broke and we were presented with a beautiful day. It would be our last for a while.

Bright and early on Day Four, announcements were made explaining that despite the inclement weather (it was fucking pouring), tender boats would be shuttling guests to the private island for a (possible, if the rain stops) beach party with (possible, if the rain stops) outdoor music and a (possible, if the rain stops) barbecue. The enormous ship could not pull up close enough to the tiny dot of sand that is the deceptively-named Great Stirrup Cay. Instead, guests are to board tender boats in order to get to the island. A tender boat is sort of a water taxi and they look about as safe as a taxi … if one were floating in the ocean. They are not unlike the boat that rescued Red Buttons, Ernest Borgnine, Jack Albertson and those two annoying kids in The Poseidon Adventure — and we know how that turned out. (A shitty sequel and three of those actors are dead.) My wife and I passed, opting instead to spend the day playing group trivia and checking out the buffet.

After another rocky night at sea, the Gem docked at Nassau. I was kind of looking forward to seeing the sights of the tiny island nation. From our ship’s deck, I could see the pastel-colored buildings, the soaring willowy palm trees and the exotic aura of the Atlantis Resort off in the distance. Anxiously, Mrs. P and I made our way to the gangway and set our feet on Bahamanian soil. My expectations sank. The dock area looked like the parking lot of a closed factory. Broken, dirty concrete. Open, rusty trash dumpsters. Hardly the romantic setting I had imagined. We continued with the exiting crowds to a large building that served as Customs and a tourist marketplace. After flashing our passports, we strolled through the makeshift stalls outfitted with faux driftwood signs and plastic island flowers. The food stands boasted such indigenous cuisine as hot dogs and Coca Cola. Several tourist couples were posing with a tarnished and ratty sequined-costumed mannequin. As we exited the building, a few skanky-looking female locals swarmed around, enticing my wife to get her long, lovely hair braided. She politely declined. (The last thing she would do is allow one of these “ladies” to touch her hair.) As we approached the exit gate headed into the small cluster of Nassau shops and restaurants, we were, again, accosted by an enterprising young man who was pacing in front of a line of dated and faded Vespas.

“Hey, mon!,” he began in his island-tinged accent, “How ’bout you rent a scootah? See de island on a scootah, mon.” He was cheerful and smiling as he offered his persuasive pitch.

I smiled back as I waved him off. “No. No thank you.,” I said.

He sidled up close to me and, lowering his voice, he asked, “Pah-tee, mon? You want t’ pah-tee?” He raised his fingers up to his lips and toked on an imaginary joint. He nodded his head and smiled broadly. “Pah-tee, mon?”

Welcome to Nassau. Here are your choices of activities — rent a rusty scooter or get high.

The rest of Nassau was just as inviting. The narrow streets were lined with one run-down structure after another. Open-air stores stocked an inventory of cheap, generic Bahamas t-shirts and plastic souvenir whatevers, all emblazoned with some sort of Greetings from Bahamas sentiment. Garbage-strewn vacant lots were poorly concealed behind the brightly-painted buildings. On the main street, cars — unrestrained by traffic signals (or laws, for that matter) — weaved to avoid hitting the malnourished horses pulling rickety carriages. After nearly an hour of navigating the uneven sidewalks and fearing that we’d be dragged into an alley to be robbed and murdered, we made our way back to the ship. Nassau looks like the setting of every Caribbean drug deal movie you’ve ever seen.

It began to rain. Hard. Very hard. We hurried back to the dry sanctuary of the Gem, where we could shower and change into some clean clothes. And eat.

Finally the clouds disappeared and our last day at sea was filled with calm waters and sunshine. Mrs. P took her place on a deck chair, exclaiming, “I’ve been waiting six days for this. If you need me, I’ll be right here.” I don’t have much patience for sitting and doing nothing so I wandered off to find something to do. I watched one of the ship’s chefs carve fruit into animal shapes. I watched a crew member twist balloons into animal shapes to the delight of a giddy crowd of children. I listened to a drunken lounge pianist bang out unrecognizable melodies on the ivories in a tedious game of Name That Tune. I got some ice cream. I read a little. I got some more ice cream. And a brownie.

I found Mrs. P poolside, still on the deck chair where I had left her five hours earlier. She had acquired a beautiful golden tan. She was happy. We left to get ready for dinner. Now, I was happy.

We have another cruise booked for February.

Wish me luck.

(For another take on my recent cruise, read my post on “It’s Been a Slice” …. HERE.)

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IF: equality

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This is a very moving moment. Yeah,I wish they'd move it to Pittsburgh!

I took my inspiration from the cover of this week’s New Yorker magazine. The cover illustration depicts a nationally recognized couple celebrating the Supreme Court’s decision that portions of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) withholding federal benefits from same-sex marriages are unconstitutional. DOMA was signed into law in 1996 by President Bill Clinton.

Although the relationship between Bert and Ernie has been ambiguous for over forty years, the relationship of another same-sex Muppet couple has been a little more obvious.

Statler and Waldorf have occupied the left stage-side balcony of The Muppet Theater since 1975. From that lofty vantage point, the pair heckled every song, dance and comedy routine performed by their fellow Muppets, relishing in each other’s one-upsmanship. They take particular pride in hurling insults at poor Fozzie Bear in his efforts to make the audience laugh.

The pair has appeared on every episode of The Muppet Show, with one exception. One very telling exception. On a 1979 episode featuring special guest jazz trumpeter Dizzy Gillespie, Waldorf informs the audience that Statler is ill and cannot make it to the evening’s performance. However, Waldorf introduces his “wife,” Astoria, who will be taking his colleague’s place. When Astoria appears, it is obviously Statler in drag.

Although Bert and Ernie share a bedroom, they do not share a bed. Perhaps, now they can with pride.

Statler and Waldorf are always snuggled close in the intimacy of their darkened balcony.  Hopefully, now, they can stand proudly in the spotlight… y’know, if they had legs.

I wish the four of them all the best.

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IF: surveillance

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Th-th-th-that's all, Ethel

“There was a possibility I could have been under surveillance.” — Julius Rosenberg

On June 19, 1953, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were executed by the United States for treason. The couple were accused and convicted of supplying the Soviet Union with thousands of classified top secret documents, specifically dealing with plans to build an atomic bomb.

At a Mothers’ Day rally in New York City, protesting the upcoming execution, 14-year-old Lee Harvey Oswald picked up and read one of the pamphlets that was distributed through the crowd. He was inspired by what he read and it put him on the path towards socialist literature and his allegiance to Marxism.

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from my sketchbook: kermit roosevelt

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From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen/Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away

At 20 years old, Kermit Roosevelt — the second son of President Theodore Roosevelt — left Harvard University to accompany his father on an African safari. Upon returning, he re-enrolled and completed four years worth of studies in just two and a half years. While at Harvard, he was a member of the prestigious, though secretive, Porcellian Club.

Following in his father’s adventurous footsteps, he set out again in 1913 for an expedition into Brazil’s Amazon River Basin jungles. Once again accompanied by his father and Brazilian military officer Cândido Rondon, Kermit explored the rain forest and the River of Doubt, later renamed Rio Roosevelt. Over a period of two years, the party lead by Kermit, navigated and charted over one thousand kilometers of previously-unexplored land. Despite being poorly prepared and inadequately equipped, they fared and overcame adverse weather, health problems and even several deaths. The Roosevelts contracted malaria during the journey. Thanks to Kermit’s survivalist instinct (specifically his rope-handling and canoe-rowing prowess), he battled through his own sickness to save the elder Roosevelt’s life. Kermit chronicled the trek in his book, Through the Brazilian Wilderness.

After returning from South America, Kermit married Belle Willard, daughter of the U.S. ambassador to Spain. Their ceremony had been postponed by the trip to the Amazonian jungle.

Kermit was a decorated captain in World War I, serving in Mesopotamia (modern-day Iraq). He mastered the Arabic language and served as a military translator with the locals.

After the war, Kermit founded the Roosevelt Steamship Company as well as the United States Lines*.

In 1925, Kermit and his brother Ted Jr. embarked on a hunting expedition in the Himalayas. They transversed the Kashmir Valley and followed the ancient Silk Route into China. The pair returned with several trophies that are currently part of the collection of the Field Museum of Natural History in Chicago.

With help from his friend Winston Churchill, Kermit became a Second Lieutenant in the British Army. He led battles in Finland, Norway and North Africa, until an enlarged liver (brought on by years of heavy drinking) sidelined his commission. He returned to the United States and sunk deeper into alcoholism and depression. His cousin, President Franklin Roosevelt, made Kermit a major in the US Army and transferred him to Fort Richardson, Alaska. There, Kermit formed a militia with Eskimos and Aleuts.

In 1943,  Dr. Sanford Couch Monroe discovered Kermit in his Alaskan residence with a revolver by his side and a single, self-inflicted gunshot in his head. The official cause of death was released to the public as “heart attack.” Kermit, who was 53, left no suicide note.

* * * * *

* In 1952 (a decade after Kermit Roosevelt’s death), the United States Lines built the luxury passenger ship, The SS United States. The ship is the largest ocean liner constructed entirely in the US and still holds the distinction of being the fastest ocean liner to cross the Atlantic in either direction. The SS United States is featured prominently in the films, Bon Voyage, Munster Go Home, West Side Story and Gentlemen Marry Brunettes. In 1996, the ship was docked at Pier 82 on the Delaware River in Philadelphia. Ownership has been transferred several times and restoration plans were made and postponed and efforts are currently being made to save the vessel from the scrap heap as the once-great ship rots and rusts away. 

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from my sketchbook: the dolly sisters

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Lord help the mister who comes between me and my sister

At 13, twins Roszika and Janszieka Deutsch emigrated to the United States from their native Hungary. The energetic and rambunctious sisters were kicked out of a strict Catholic school for their lascivious dancing. But, by 1911, the talented and strikingly beautiful twins were front and center-stage in the famous Ziegfeld Follies.

For the next decade, the newly christened Rosie and Jenny Dolly (so named by a show producer for their resemblance to porcelain dolls) performed privately for kings, princes and the upper crust of society, in addition to appearing on grand stages across Europe and the United States. They even managed to grace the silver screen in a half dozen films.

Rosie and Jenny were the objects of desire of many men. They both carried on a long affair with department store magnate Harry Gordon Selfridge, who was 33 years their senior. Selfridge (who coined the business credo “The customer is always right” and the holiday catch phrase “Only [number] shopping days until Christmas) lavished gifts of cars and jewelry upon the girls.

In the 20s, the Dolly Sisters took their act for an extended run in Paris. There, they staged elaborately-themed shows featuring beautiful costumes and over-the-top scenery. Jenny met notorious French gangster Max Constant. One morning, Max took Jenny for a ride in his car and plowed into a line of trees. Jenny was seriously injured. Her rehabilitation lasted six weeks and required 15 separate surgical procedures. Despite reconstructive plastic surgery, Jenny felt she was reduced to a “shell of her former self” and she fell into a deep, unshakable depression. Soon afterwards, the French government fined Jenny over 750,000 dollars for evading customs on her jewelry purchases. Physically scarred, despondent and nearly broke, Jenny hanged herself in her shower with the sash from her robe.  She was a few months from her 50th birthday.

Rosie lived long enough to see Hollywood tell her story in The Dolly Sisters starring Betty Grable and June Haver (Mrs. Fred MacMurray). However, Rosie attempted suicide in 1962, but was unsuccessful. Rosie eventually passed away from heart failure in 1970.

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from my sketchbook: sunny johnson

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Sunny, you smiled at me and really eased the pain.

Sunny Sue Johnson made her acting debut in a second season episode of the fluffy 70s crime drama Charlie’s Angels. She was next cast as “Otter’s Co-Ed” in a scene in Animal House that ended up on the cutting room floor. She appeared in a number of small roles on TV and in films in the late 70s and early 80s. Director Charles B. Griffith (best known for his work with Roger Corman on Bucket of Blood and the original Little Shop of Horrors) cast Sunny – the day before shooting began – in his horror spoof Dr. Heckyl and Mr. Hype opposite Oliver Reed. She followed that with a more substantial part in The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia in 1981.

In 1983, Sunny landed her biggest role, and the one for which she is best remembered. She starred alongside Jennifer Beals in Flashdance, playing the lead character’s best friend, figure skater Jeanie Szabo. This role led to a four-episode stint on Hill Street Blues creator Stephen Bochco’s newest series, Bay City Blues, which followed the exploits of a minor league baseball team. The show, unfortunately, lasted only those four episodes.

On June 18, 1984, Sunny’s live-in boyfriend, character actor Archie Hahn, found Sunny unconscious. She was rushed to UCLA Medical Center where it was determined that a blood vessel had burst in her brain. Sunny was placed on life support, but was unresponsive. She never regained consciousness and passed away on June 19 at the age of 30.

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