The challenge at Monday Artday this week is “tropical jungle”.

Ladies and gentlemen. May I have your attention please? Due to circumstances beyond our control…the Jungle Cruise WILL be operating for the rest of the evening…Thank you.

Watch your step as you enter the boat. If you’re entering from the back, come up to the front. If you’re in the front, just follow the simple instructions of your simple minded boat loader. Come on in, folks…Slide on down! That’s right slide on down, because the more you slide now, the less I have to clean later. Everybody turn around and wave at the people on the dock…wave at them… ’cause you’re never going to see them again!…then again, you’ve probably never seen them before either.

On the other side is my favorite jungle resident, Old Smiley, one of the laziest crocodiles in these parts. I do suggest that you keep your hands inside the boat because Smiley is always looking for a hand out. Here in the rainforest it sometimes rains 365 days per year…some years it even rains every day.

These are the ruins of an ancient shrine, almost totally destroyed centuries ago by an earthquake. Many explorers have tried to steal that priceless ruby, but no one’s ever gotten past that poisonous spider. How many of you think that’s a big spider? How many of you think he’s bigger than the one crawling up that woman’s leg?

Look at that! It’s a large Bengal Tiger. Now, Bengal Tigers are known to leap over five thousand feet in order to catch their prey. That is…when you throw them out of an airplane. You know, the crocodiless are always looking for a hand out. But be careful, I once had an English teacher on board and she didn’t listen to me and now she’s teaching shorthand. And here we have three cobras sticking their tongues out at us with no regards for our feelings. And look at all the elephants out here today! This comes as a complete surprise to me cause I had no idea these guys were going to be here. If you want to take pictures go ahead — all the elephants have their trunks on. As we leave the elephant pool, we head into…uh-oh — a big one is coming up on the right and it looks like he’s aiming for us! Oh no! He’s coming up again — you folks on the right get down! Well…I guess he didn’t have enough trunk space.

And now we come upon a jungle encampment. It’s being overrun by a bunch of women wearing fur coats. Hey! Those are gorillas……….dressed up as women wearing fur coats. I’d like to point out some of the plant life here on the Jungle Cruise. There’s a hibiscus, a low-biscus, and that little one barking is a doggie biscus. Say, there’s the Anheiser Bush, it looks ready to bud. Over there is Schweitzer Falls, named after the famous Dr. Albert Falls. We’ve now turned down the Nile river — the longest river in all of Anaheim. That’s right a whole 200 feet. On the left we have an African Bull Elephant. And for those of you with short term memory problems, on the right we have an African Bull Elephant. Oh, it looks like the entire baboon family has come down to the water’s edge today, along with the other residents of the African veldt. See the striped animals over there? Those are zebras. And the big tall ones with the long necks? Those are giraffes. And the black ones over here with horns — well, I’ve never seen them before. They must be gnu! That rhino seems to be getting his point across, and I’m sure that guy on the bottom will get it in the end! We are now turning onto a pool of dangerous hippos, so please, sit still and don’t rock the boat. These huge creatures are quite curious and could easily upset our boat. So please, don’t do anything that might attract them. Last week, they overturned six of our boats…only FIVE of them were MINE, though! Uh oh, we’re now entering into headhunter territory. Not a good place to be headed. The natives seem to be celebrating the kill of that lion…maybe we can sneak by. Don’t attract their attention. If they hit you with a spear, just pull it out and throw it back at them — you’re not allowed to keep souvenirs. We certainly don’t want you to be stuck with it for the rest of the trip. Beautiful Schweitzer Falls is upon us again. The overhanging rock formation will afford us a different view this time. I have a special treat for you, folks. You may never have seen this before…there it is — the backside of water! Over on the right you can see a branch with two toucans. And, of course, three toucans make a six-pack. See that rock right there, it’s actually made of limestone, but many of my crews just take it for granite. Over here we have a rare species of vegetarian python. You can tell since he has a stranglehold on that tree. Look at the python, sitting in the tree, H-I-S-S-I-N-G. This is my good friend Sam, who runs the Cannibal Cafe. The last time I talked to Sam was at his cafe. I told him that I didn’t like his brother very much. He told me ‘Next time, have the salad.‘ Sam had me over for dinner the other night; unfortunately I arrived late and all he gave me was the cold shoulder.

I certainly enjoyed having you aboard the Jungle Cruise today, and I hope you all enjoyed being had. It’s very important that you wait to get off the boat until one of our dock crew is there to assist you. Just yesterday we had a lady fall in and none of them were around to laugh at her. Please exit the boat the same way you entered…pushing and shoving. Well folks, I hope you all enjoyed your trip around the jungle. I had such a good time — I’m going to go again……….and again, and again, and again…

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