IMT: moon and IF: launch

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giant steps are what you take
The following is a transcript of a recently discovered recording of a conversation from the command module of Apollo 11 on July 19, 1969.
Michael Collins: Well, here we are, heading to the moon. Man, this is cool!
Neil Armstrong: It sure is, Mike.
Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin: Hey, Mike…. um, you missed the meeting we had just before lift-off, didn’t you?
Michael Collins: Meeting? I wasn’t told about a meeting. I had orders to report right to the launch pad and that you guys would be a little late. There was a meeting? What did you talk about?
Neil Armstrong: We discussed the procedure for tomorrow’s moon landing.
Michael Collins: Oh yeah, baby! The moon landing! I can’t wait! The first three men on the moon! Oh, YEAH!
Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin: Uh, Mike…. Mike….. I don’t know how to say this, so I’ll just say it.
Michael Collins: Say what?
Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin: Well, Neil and I are walking on the moon. And since you’re the “Command Module Pilot”, you’re staying in the capsule.
Michael Collins: I’m WHAT ??? Staying in the capsule??? Are you fucking kidding me?? I didn’t travel 238,000 miles to sit in the fucking capsule so you two assholes can get all the glory!
Neil Armstrong: First of all, Mike, haven’t you noticed that your spacesuit isn’t the same as mine and Buzz’s? Yours doesn’t have nozzles for external breathing tanks. Didn’t that make you wonder a little? You step outside the command module and you are a deadman! Besides, this was planned a long time ago. The plan was that me and Buzz are walking on the moon and you’re driving around the block a few times and picking us up later. Got it?
Michael Collins: Got it? Got it? NO, Neil, I don’t fucking “Got it?”  My family will be watching TV tomorrow! What am I supposed to tell THEM? I told all the guys in aerospace training that I would wave to them from the moon. Aw, Jesus Christ, Neil.
Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin: C’mon Mike, you’ll still be in the history books. You’ll still be remembered.
Michael Collins: But, Buzz, I was gonna…
Neil Armstrong (interrupting): You’re not walking on the fucking moon, Michael! End of story!
(A door slams and several minutes of silence pass.)
Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin: That Collins. Jeez.
Neil Armstrong: Yeah, what a douchebag.

(To steve d: I don’t give a shit what you believe. There was a moon landing in 1969. I was it on TV, so it must be true!)




  1. Same day a few hours later:
    (banging on the locked airlock hatch between the Lunar Ascent Module and the Command Module)
    Neil Armstrong: Awwww…. C’mon Mike, we were just having some fun with you before. It’s not our fault you had to stay up here while we went down to the moon!
    Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin: (Bang! Bang! Bang!) Yeah Mike, it was a decision that came down from the admins back in Houston. Now be a sport and let us in.
    Neil Armstrong: Ha ha, Mike. Funny joke. Now open the hatch. We’ve only got 2 minutes of air left. Mike…?
    Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin: (Bang! Bang! Bang!) Mike, you motherfucker! Open this door or I’m gonna bash your fucking head in with this moon rock! Mike! MIKE!
    Michael Collins: Who’s laughing now, moon fuckers? (Turns up the 8-track of Elecrtic Ladyland to drown out the pounding and screaming of his crewmates).

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